Some time ago I set up email accounts for both my boys. I like to send them short stories or pictures that they can enjoy when they get older. Most are cute or sentimental. This one is neither. It's fucking gross. This is what I sent them.....
Its been awhile since I've gotten a chance to message you guys. I guess I've been saving up for whenever I have a really good story to share. The other night I went to work like any other day. I was there for maybe an hour or so when the manager tells me your Mom is on the phone and that's it's an emergency. Your Mom says Xander fell head over heels down the steps and that we have to go to the ER. I'm off the phone and out the door in a matter of moments. When I get home I see Xander shuffling out the door as if he were auditioning for a role role in a zombie movie. With a puke bucket in hand Xander is escorted into the car and we race to the hospital. That is where everything g slows to a crawl. We wait for HOURS to see someone, get a CT scan and get the results back. While we try to keep Xander awake fearing serious head trauma I have some crazy hillbilly wanting to make small talk talk about the weather 3 states away. I humor him for a bit until I see Xander needs a lot of attention and help staying awake. I cut the redneck off quickly the next time he speaks and tell him I need to focus on the patient a bit.
When all is said and done your Mom and I are worn out mentally and physically and Xander has a concussion. When the nurse dates that Xander isn't not allowed to watch TV for few days we realize we are in big trouble. Without missing a beat you boys start playing rough the moment we get home. We can't even get you to comprehend that perhaps playing on the steps isn't the best idea. As I use the bathroom at the the top of the steps I can hear you both running up and down then steps countless times for no real reason. The next day Xander appears to be 100% healthy and as active as ever.
I'm upstairs the day after the accident and suddenly I hear someone gagging and retching. Since vomiting was the main symptom after the accident I'm immediately concerned. When I hear your Mom yell for me I go racing down the steps. Before I'm even the entire way down the steps I can see that Xander looks completely normal and is not throwing up. However I get to the kitchen and see something rather unexpected. Your Mom is laughing really hard. There are a few puddles of puke on the floor. Logan looks very distraught as he wipes his tongue over and over. The barf wasn't a result of the concussion. The puking was because Logan got into the trash, spotted a turd that had escaped from one of his dirty diapers and ate it thinking it was chocolate candy. Thanks to technology I got to hear your Mom google voice search the phrase..."My toddler just ate his own poop." That's not something I'm ever going to unhear. And since I'll never forget it I'm emailing it to you guys so you won't ever forget it either.
Love,
Dad